


A Classical Work of Paranormal Romance

by Asuka Kureru (Askerian)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, F/M, Humanstuck, Humor, M/M, Multi, Teenagers, Threesome - F/M/M, vampires and werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-16
Updated: 2013-11-16
Packaged: 2018-01-01 18:24:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1047124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He felt like the naked girl who'd just been a white wolf and the half-naked guy who'd just been a mangled corpse dragged into his barn by a wolf <i>completely deserved his screaming.</i></p><p>The ~magical~ turd-licking fence-fuckers masquerading as his classmates had been sneak-flirting with him for <i>weeks</i>.</p><p>"Is my life <i>actually</i> a shitty supernatural romance?!  Am I going to develop more special than you powers that somehow never matter half as much as who I fuck? Am I supposed to arbitrate your little game of which one of you is the sexiest alpha male by gracing them with my boy cooch?"</p><p>--<br/>now with sequel pesterlog silliness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Anonymous asked: Dave/Karkat/Jade urban fantasy. Dave is a vampire, Jade is a werewolf, and Karkat is so done with all this supernatural bullshit.
> 
> (not super urban hahaha)

Karkat was aware he was pacing. He was also aware he'd been bleeding, and should not have been pacing.

The screaming, also, was totally a conscious decision.

He felt like the naked girl who'd just been a white wolf and the half-naked guy who'd just been a mangled corpse dragged into his barn by a wolf _completely deserved it_.

The ~magical~ turd-licking fence-fuckers masquerading as his classmates had been sneak-flirting with him for _weeks_.

"Is my life _actually_ a shitty supernatural romance?!  Am I going to develop more special than you powers that somehow never matter half as much as who I fuck? Am I supposed to arbitrate your little game of which one of you is the sexiest alpha male by gracing them with my boy cooch?"

He should have known, shouldn't he? He'd been beside himself ever since he allowed himself to realize that he, the awkward asshole with an unfortunate love affair with Tourette, was being flirted with by, not _one_ hot and popular fellow student, but _two_.

Granted in such a small, isolated town the pickings were slim, and likely enough they'd known everyone else from childhood. But still.

Jade rolled her eyes at Karkat -- he tried to glare, but peripheral vision was a bitch and her boobs remained gloriously unhidden -- and glanced at Dave, who was lounging on a bale of hay, mangled chest healed but skin still porcelain white underneath the dried red streaks. Karkat briefly felt guilty for screaming. Dave had been dying.

Dave had... fed on him.

"Don't be stupid, I'm totally the alpha male," Jade said, brows quirked. "And that _really_ isn't what we had in mind."

Karkat kicked at a rake, sending it careening off toward the donkey's stall. (Why had his dad decided they needed a _donkey_. Fucking country life experience.)  "Oh, do fucking tell me what you had in mind! Come on, I'm listening, there's no way you guys didn't know each other real well for ages, explain how the fuck I'm not completely incidental in your bout of friendly competition!"

Dave sighed and let himself go lax and prettily posed like he thought he was a consumptive poet from the nineteenth century. (Which, for all Karkat knew, he actually was?!) (His mouth was still red, Karkat could still feel Dave's wet mouth on his neck, Jade's fur against his back.)

"Dude, why are you yelling that you don't want to play a game _we're not even playing._ "

The novels weren't lying about vampire bites. Karkat's pants were jizzed to hell and back. He was too angry to be embarrassed yet. "What the fuck were you playing at then?!"

Jade got up, long legs unfolding and girl crotch holy fuck coming his way, oh hell was she herding him back toward Dave, oh lord, she was.

"Actually," she said with her arms crossed just under her breasts, so Karkat's eyes crossed painfully following their bounce, "we were thinking threesome."

... oh.

"... Oh."

"Yeppers," Dave confirmed languidly from his hay divan.

" _Oh._ "

Okay no, he didn't have enough blood left in his body to blush so hard. He really didn't.

Jade caught his elbow when he swayed, guided him back toward the hay. He sat, a bit heavily, right by Dave's knee. Dave didn't move.

His eyes were impossibly red. Jade's were a rare but not totally unlikely green, only he was pretty sure he'd seen them phosphoresce.

"You okay?" she asked, leaning in to touch her palm to his forehead, brows scrunched in worry.

"Yeah. No. Is that a trick question."

Dave snorted almost silently. Jade grinned, white teeth against dark skin, eyes laughing and fond. She ruffled his hair and he blushed all over again.

He'd been dreaming of daring to hold her hand and ask her out to the next dance. Now he was having his head fondled and his eyes filled with nubile nakedness. (And body hair. Wild. Then again a werewolf with a shaved crotch would have just been too weird.)

(As opposed to a werewolf au naturel! Jesus Mary Joseph, his brain was fucked. Why was her bush black if her tail and ears were white, that was almost more unnatural than the metamorph thing.)

"Penny for your thoughts!"

"Haha _I will take them to my grave_."

He rubbed his hand over his face, hard. His neck stung.

"So. Urrh. Threesome. Are you guys fucking serious."

"Dude, since when were hot twink sandwiches a laughing matter?"

Karkat gave Dave a jaundiced look. "Since they were potentially hundreds of years jailbaity?"

Dave pursed his mouth at him. "Oi, oi. What's with the stereotypes here. I'm actually your age and most certainly not dead yet, and you're triggering me with this callous mention of my coming undeath and preservation as a hot and classy motherfucker, thank you very much."

Okay, that did make Karkat feel better, for some reason. No creepy experience discrepancy to feel awkward and inferior about. "Oh. Huh. Cool. Were you -- what, born like that? How the hell are you born a vampire, that makes no sense."

Jade sat at Karkat's side, by Dave's shoulder. Fuck but they looked nice together. All... contrasty.

"Let's just say my Bro fucked a lady he should not have, as she happens to be a pretty badass necromancer. Usually he's as good as firing blanks, so he didn't think to wrap it before he used it, and tadahh, death baby."

Jade laughed, ruffled Dave's gelled hair mercilessly; Dave twisted his mouth in an expression Karkat hadn't seen on him in class ever, but which made him look so much more normal, human.

"If he died now he would have risen," Jade told Karkat, voice gone a little more sober, "so he wouldn't have been _dead_ -dead, but being stuck at sixteen for the rest of his life and never growing facial hair would have _really_ sucked, so... Thank you."

Karkat's hand rose to touch his neck unbidden. Even the brush of his own fingers on the bite made him shiver.

"Hey, I don't tease you on your own facial hair, you leave my tragic handicap alone."

"Nope! You have a baby butt face, Dave. Your face is a baby butt."

"No problem," Karkat rasped out, and looked away, unable to watch them banter, so gorgeous and easy together, so... "That threesome. One night stand? Got any more specific plans?"

Not that he was saying yes but he was totally open to hearing about their fantasies. Yep. Having people fantasizing about him was entirely unexpected and completely sexy, yes it was. What the hell had attracted them? His not-pretty face, his okay ass? His potential for virgin whimpers? Hah, joke was on them, he'd given his clumsy embarrassment of a first time to someone else before he even moved here.

He'd probably whimper anyway. Shit, for them to offer something like that he bet they were experienced.

Jade kicked him in the knee. Karkat made a wounded-dog noise and stared at her in betrayal, hugging his abused appendage.

"Yes, we have plans! We have nefarious perverted plans like taking you for ice cream and scones at Grandma Jane's, and then there will be _movies!_ " She glared, leaned into him to poke his chest with a pointed finger. He spluttered. "And then we will walk you home and kiss you goodnight and sneak notes in class and go walking in the woods and go shooting--"

"He might not know how to handle a gun, Harley," Dave cautioned. She snorted.

"I'll teach him! Everyone should know how to safely handle a good rifle, if only so you don't shoot your ear off when you club people over the head."

Dave looked at Karkat, shrugged one shoulder as if to say _sorry, I tried_.

"I, uh. I don't know how to handle a gun. My dad's kind of. You know, a huge peacenik." He wet his dry lips with the tip of his tongue. "I guess I wouldn't mind learning."

Jade beamed at him. Even Dave looked like he was smiling a little, though his mouth was still a flat line so Karkat wasn't too sure where he got that impression.

"Wait, I want to mention that sneaky makeouts and gropes behind the bleachers are also totally on this program. I feel this wholesomeness is not representative of the full experience we offer heremrphh."

Jade rolled her eyes at Karkat, hand still on Dave's mouth. The vampire's red eyes crossed. A laugh burst out of Karkat's throat despite himself.

"Yeah, I'd figured." He let himself grin. Not just something physical, kinky. They _liked_ him.

(Not that a little kink in his life would hurt any. Hey, he _was_ sixteen.)

He reached cautiously with both hands, had to shuffle his ass to turn in his seat -- wow, the suave meter had just hit negative twenty -- took Dave's cool hand and Jade's rough-fingered one. Squeezed, a little, shyly.

They squeezed back. Jade's eyes had gone crinkled up like happy half-moons and he'd be damned if Dave's cheeks weren't going oh so slightly pink. Karkat just sat there holding their hands and developing scoliosis in his lower back from refusing to let go to reposition himself.

"So uh, on a scale of one to herpes, where do you put werewolfism and bloodsuckerism?"

Jade snorfled. "Lycanthropy is hereditary, so you're pretty safe from me! And Dave really would have to be _trying_ to turn you, I mean like deliberately feed you his own blood ten nights in a row kind of trying."

"Yeah, and it might be cool to have a pretty twink at hand for the centuries to come but I kinda think you'd dump me for being a high-handed asshole before I even died my own self. ... Also I'm reasonably sure I can't turn anyone yet, but I'd have to ask Bro."

Karkat nodded. Okay. It might be stupid to take them at their word, but he just... Yeah, no, he totally was taking them at their word. He thought he would know if they lied to him, but they weren't, they hadn't been, ever.

"I'm not going to develop previously unnoticed improbable powers at some point, am I?"

"No worries, you're one hundred percent pure human juice." Dave licked his lips with a bit _too much_ sensuality, dropped his voice half a ridiculous octave. " _Delicious_ human juice."

Jade elbowed Dave in the shoulder. "Yeah, and you smell totally normal to me! Not delicious at all! Okay a little delicious but in a purely lickey-no-bitey way."

"Huh." He let Jade's hand go so he could turn to face her and cross his legs, and then took it again. Dave's thumb was rubbing circles into the side of his thigh. "I'm sort of bummed, actually. I was almost reconciled to bearing insane swag."

Dave pinched his legs, mock-disappointed. "Oh, young Padawan. With great power--"

"Dave Assbutt Strider, if you mangle that quote--"

He watched them bicker for a minute, and then he drew two fistfuls of hay from the bale and threw them in their faces.

(After that they made out a little but Jade's naked Jadeness and Dave's handsiness meant Karkat was almost grateful when the hungry donkey's racket attracted his dad, and his boyfriend and girlfriend had to cut and run in the finest teenage tradition.)


	2. Chapter 2

CG: BY THE WAY.  
CG: I SERIOUSLY HOPE YOU HAVE NOT A) DRAGGED ME INTO SOME VAMPIRES/WEREWOLVES OR VAMPIRES/HUNTERS WAR, AND B) FORGOTTEN I MIGHT CARE TO BE TOLD IF YOU WERE AT WAR WITH ANY ASSHOLES OUT HERE AND *IN DEATHLY DANGER.*   
CG: IF I AM SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND THEN I DAMN WELL DESERVE TO KNOW.   
TG: yeah im actually the heir to the throne of vampires descended from dracula himself cause that dude totally existed in real life and was a hundred percent that special besides  
TG: didnt take you for a golddigger karkafluffy but yeah ill let you wear my crown in bed   
TG: so long as my lap can double up as your throne  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING TRYING TO DEFLECT.   
CG: IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE DOING WITH MY ENTIRELY SERIOUS INQUIRY.   
TG: wasnt an inquiry was an accusation  
TG: a real fucking unfounded one too  
TG: i mean srsly who is bored enough to go to SECRET WARRRR like some kind of extreme game of cold war spies only without any patriotic or saving-people stakes  
TG: you read way too many novels  
CG: OH, REALLY, IT'S ALL MY IMAGINATION.   
CG: SO THEN HOW, PRAY TELL, DID YOU EVER GET INJURED ENOUGH TO NEED EMERGENCY FEEDING FROM YOURS TRULY?   
CG: THOSE SURE LOOKED LIKE PRETTY DEEP LACERATIONS. MAN AM I GLAD TO KNOW THEY WERE FAKE AND ONLY THERE TO GIVE YOU AN EXCUSE TO GO FOR MY NECK.   
CG: WHAT ONE CAN DO WITH STAGE MAKE-UP NOWADAYS, IMPRESSIVE.   
TG: oh shut up  
CG: I WILL NOT FUCKING SHUT UP, ARE YOU SERIOUS HERE? YOU. FED. ON. ME. MY BLOOD SAVED YOUR FUCKING ASS, YOU UNGRATEFUL SON OF A LICH, AND NOW YOU'RE LYING TO MY FACE??!   
TG: i fell off a tree okay??   
CG: ... WHAT.   
TG: i was dicking around in a tree and the branch broke   
TG: spoiler that thing about vampires and pointy bits of wood disagreeing with each other is actually based in actual actuality  
CG: ...   
TG: jade wanted to lick my face man what was i supposed to do   
TG: you have no idea how slobbery she gets i didnt want to show up on your doorstep with crusted bubbles of yuck on my face so sue me for being vain  
CG: ......   
TG: so yes i went and climbed a dangerous tree made of real lethal wood and the weight of my radness broke the fuck out of it and i swagged myself right into impalement city  
TG: this is my origin story  
TG: are you happy now  
TG: karkat??   
TG: dude  
TG: do you for real not believe me here or  
TG: cause that hurts wow  
CG: I'M MOSTLY WORKING ON BELIEVING HOW MUCH OF A DUMBASS MY BOYFRIEND IS.   
TG: oh thats cool  
TG: feel free  
TG: jade gave me an earful already but i was busy dying at the time so im pretty sure she wont feel like youre a copycat  
TG: also your insults are way different so possibly itll be low on the deja heard  
TG: i hope  
CG: OH, SHUT UP.   
CG: SO... YOU WERE COMING TO MY PLACE?   
TG: um yeah  
CG: TO...?   
TG: well  
TG: idk hang out  
CG: HMMM.   
CG: IMAGINE ME SQUINTING SUSPICIOUSLY.   
TG: okay and maybe steal a kiss or smth  
TG: i had to catch up on jade ok you were like totally smitten with her and she told me you smelled interested when i dropped my pen that one time and suavely exposed my plush rump but what if she lied to soothe my pain huh what then  
CG: WELL. TO BE HONEST.   
TG: aw cmon  
CG: IF SHE ONLY TOLD YOU I SMELLED INTERESTED THAT ONE TIME I'M NOT SURE HOW WELL I CAN TRUST HER SUPER NOSE.   
TG: you can trust it just fine!! :p i just didnt want to give him a swelled head ;D  
CG: GROAN.   
CG: I DON'T SUPPOSE I MAY HOPE THAT, LIKE SEERS IN MANY A GREAT STORY, YOU CAN'T SMELL IT WHEN IT'S ABOUT YOU?   
TG: weeellll......................   
TG: nope! hehehe  
CG: WELP.   
TG: oho  
TG: lil karcutie had naughty thoughts  
TG: he should be rewarded  
TG: date tonight??? :DDD  
CG: FOR GOD'S SAKE, HARLEY GET ON YOUR OWN HANDLE, IT'S DISTURBING.   
CG: AND I SHOULD DO SOME HOMEWORK, BUT YES, OKAY.   
TG: cool  
TG: well show you our secret cabin in the woods that we build when we were like ten year old  
CG: THAT SOUNDS... FASCINATING.   
CG: I AM FASCINATED.   
TG: it has a huge fur bed in it! ;D super decadent.   
CG: ...   
CG: THROW IN A LAPTOP FOR POST-MAKEOUT MOVIES AND I'M GAME.   
CG: JUST DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THE POOR ANIMALS YOU HUNTED YOURSELF TO PROCURE OUR ROMANTIC AS BALLS BEDDING.   
TG: woot  
TG: and ill bring the dessert  
TG: by which i mean my dong thats its little name cause you cant have just a little of it  
CG: MY DICK IS NAMED "THE STAKE"; ALAS I MUST KEEP YOU AWAY FROM IT FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY.   
TG: XDDDDDD <3 <3 <3  
TG: BOTH OF YOU START YOUR HOMEWORK NOW! i will not interrupt my makeouts to tutor you guys again.   
CG: CAN I BET THAT IN MEATSPACE DAVE IS MAKING A DUMB JOKE ABOUT HOT FOR TEACHER.   
TG: is it even worth it to bet on it, seriously ://   
TG: see you after class!! :3  
TG: AND STOP TEXTING, IF YOU GET DETENTION I WILL BITE YOU ON THE BUTT  
TG: (i might do that anyway, though.)   
CG: ...   
CG: <3


End file.
